The Man Who Sold The World

my brother passed away a year ago.

It’s still hard to think about it..in fact I still burst into tears thinking about it. Sometimes I wake up thinking how surreal it all was..it still feels unbelievable.

Times like this I wish I have family nearby. These are the times that I want to be alone but at the same time I want someone to tell me “everything will be alright”..or even a pat on the shoulder..or a hug.

Dear Abang, I miss you a lot. May you rest in peace.

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Published in: on July 10, 2011 at 12:27 am  Leave a Comment  

Delayed, but here it is…

Yesterday’s Happiments:

1. Chosen healthier meals for whole day: 2 Subway sandwiches (only!) + 1 home-brewed latte + lots of juice + tiny chicken pie
2. Braving the storm and traffic positively through K-Pop and Gaga
3. 5 canceled lessons (2 sick, 1 no transport, 2 orientation session) turned out to be major Me-Time
4. Final lap of the flu + sore throat race (I can see the finishing line…)
5. Editing yet another video and publishing it online – I’m one step closer to being an iMovie demigoddess.

Any ideas/recommendations of good podcasts? Like one of those Yoga At Home kinds?

Published in: on May 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm  Leave a Comment  

Happiments

Alright… I’ve downloaded the wordpress app for my iPhone & will try to stick to a regular schedule.

I recently came across a pile of Mom’s old Gratitude Journals – a nifty way for writers like her creative self to express the best outlook on life before one closes their eyes each night.

She either picked this up from Oprah or Elisabeth Kubler Ross… But I’m gonna give this a try. Carpe diem, right?

5 things I’m grateful for today:

1. A wonderful boyfriend who cooks a meat-free, high fibre healthy meal for a pretty sick me… while he’s on a 21-day Master Cleanse (ie. Lemon, water, maple syrup & cyan pepper ONLY). Imagine the discipline!

2. Watching a classical concert on DVD while snuggled on couch.

3. A supportive mentor / friend / inspiration.

4. A backbone.

5. “I love you. Don’t forget that.”

What’s your happiments today?

Xoxo

Published in: on May 17, 2011 at 5:02 am  Comments (2)  

“I hang my head and I advertise
A soul for sale or rent
I have no heart I’m cold inside
I have no real intent”

Queen, “Save Me”

Published in: on April 14, 2011 at 8:58 pm  Leave a Comment  

A good friend said that every night before we go to bed, we should write three things that we are thankful for..life is not as glass half-empty as we like to think..sometimes it can be half-full.

Since I haven’t updated this blog (or any blog for that matter) for eons, I thought that this would be a good start:

1. I am thankful for my parents for being supportive of my life choices through such hard times

2. I m thankful for my sister – her out of the blue quips on twitter always brighten my day

3. my late brother – for an amazing childhood and the fond memories

 

It doesn’t get any easier..honestly. I still cry when I think about the day. I still remember my sister’s voice on the phone telling me the news…you have no idea how many sleepless nights I’ve had from that memory.

I don’t usually hate being alone but during these times, I always wish I had someone around me who would say that everything will be alright and hug me.

 

Published in: on March 29, 2011 at 11:11 pm  Leave a Comment  

I want..

’nuff said 🙂

 

Published in: on February 19, 2011 at 11:35 am  Leave a Comment  

January 20th is my brother’s birthday.

He would have turned 32 years old.

Published in: on January 19, 2011 at 9:26 pm  Leave a Comment  

I Don’t Need Anything But You

Together at last, together forever
We’re tying a know that never can sever
I don’t need sunshine now to turn my skies to blue
I don’t need anything but you  – Annie

Today’s choir session almost broke my heart.

There I was, guiding the children’s choir through the famous Annie song. Then this kid (let’s call him Tiny Tim… you know, like the one from Scrooge?) burst into tears. Not the screwed-over-by-mom tears or the I’m-frustrated-I-can’t-get-it-right tears. This was something else.

Getting my assistant to take over, I guided the 12 year-old out of class to figure him out. In my mind, I was thumbing through the possibilities as well as their treatments… the probabilities are endless! Oh dear, don’t tell me he’s really upset about the death of his pet. I read it on his Facebook notification yesterday… and there was a sad emoticon attached. Firstly, I don’t understand how/why kids are so into Facebook… however, I’m thankful I saw it as it helped prepped the troubleshooting options in my mind then. Secondly, this is one of the few cases where children’s emoticons should be heavily considered and taken with a lot of weight. God forbid, the human form of expression has evolved to a handful of flipped symbols.

So I sat a sobbing Tiny Tim down and prompted him to speak his heart out. And I guessed right as he explained between heavy sobs how his pet of 2 years just stopped breathing. He talked about being helpless and clueless on how to revive it… about dealing with a little burial outside his home… about being confused at his current state of mourning… about confiding in his mom.

This kid had liquid pain streaming down his cheeks. It was heartbreaking to watch. As much as he gets on my nerves the odd occasion, my heart just went out to him and I had to fight back tears. I shared with him about the loss of my loved one and how death just makes us appreciate life even more… and that people who go through such tough times end up stronger… and that he was very brave to share his experience with me… and I thanked him. More importantly, I told him that it was OK to cry… even for a boy. He told me the song we were singing in the choir made him very emotional.

For a street smart, quick witted and smart-mouthed kid to wear his heart on his sleeve like that… I’m thinking he’s going to make a very good stage performer. On the flip side, I wish there was some power in me to protect children from experiencing such a raw emotion… I keep telling myself they’re not ready for this, children are supposed to be happy. But I guess some people learn life’s lessons earlier than others.

Since Tiny Tim requested for some alone time before rejoining the group, I had another colleague keep him company. Of course, the other children were concerned. I quietly explained the situation and reminded them to be supportive of a friend in need… which prompted a couple of testimonies from the choir on pet death. Tiny Tim rejoined within the hour and was seen being the hyperactive and silly class clown again… and I marvel at his recovery rate.

If only I could mirror that.

Being a responsible member of society

I had all the resolution in the world last night to wake up at 7am today for a nice jog around the secured gated community I’m living in. You know, burning the holiday calories.

Well, thank goodness it rained because I didn’t feel like unravelling myself from the thick covers.

Anyway…

As I’m sitting here waiting for the coffee to kick in, I scanned my iCal – mentally patted my back for compiling all my work commitments in there, but sighing at the massive amount of stuff. Trying to channel the Oprah-positivity, I told myself to stay inspired.

And I realized I dress better when I’m unwell.

And so, I will make a vow to present myself tastefully (and have fun going through the wardrobe daily, even if it means waking up earlier) so that I am not a hazard to society. The world has enough crappy people who spread their stress to any passersby.

And some morning music played by Kate to get my daily soundtrack in my head won’t hurt either.

Thank God it’s Thursday (who cares about Friday?).

 

The Musician

Published in: on January 6, 2011 at 1:57 pm  Comments (1)  

Achilles Last Stand

Dear 2010,

Whoa..what a year it has been. There were some ups but my 2010 has been dominated by downs..mainly one down but it was a big one. It was such a big down that it made whatever ups I have invisible and I can’t remember the other small (or smaller) downs I had. Lets say it cast a shadow to the whole year.

2010 has been…hmm..if I were to describe it in one word: sad. I spend a lot of time alone (some by chance and others by choice) considering if the life I am living is the one I want. I spend time with my family – more than ever..probably more than when I was in university. I flew back and forth to Malaysia a few times..I spend a lot of time in the airport and on airplanes – reading (I read loads of crap – I want my 8 hours back!!!- and found some gems as well), listening to music (I don’t care that you’re 60 ++ years old Jimmy Page, but I still think you’re hot! You too, Robert Plant..love the hair!!)  and did a lot of sudoku and crossword.  Airports are not fun..neither is flying.

Train rides are something different – I think train rides are the best time to daydream. If you’re lucky, you might even make a movie out of it (i.e. Peter Jackson while on that epic Tranzalpine New Zealand trip) or a book or an opus! Yup, I’m still waiting for that right train journey to write my magnum opus (I think it’ll either be the Trans-Siberian Rail or the Orient Express..the Orient Express sounds more romantic..I have a feeling on the Trans-Siberian Rail I might try to finish War and Peace..haha).

So 2010, you have robbed me of a loved one, left me with a lot of sadness, made me doubt my sanity and my reasons for being so isolated and given me time to brew some interesting inner demons…I have digested them all, put on rose-coloured glasses and look forward to 2011 being a better year.

Oh and happy new year people.

Sincerely,

Meddie B

Published in: on December 30, 2010 at 11:20 am  Comments (1)